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The best part about watching this movie again for me was being able to jump back into my mind the way it was when I was five or six - I remember watching this thing thinking as if Adora was a real person, and being on the edge of my seat waiting for her to come to her senses. That's something you definitely lose over time as you gain more cynicism - kids can totally lose themselves in these fake worlds, and if we had the memory power to remember, I'm sure a lot of us spent adolescence pondering things that never existed as if they were complete and total fact. When we get older, all we get to do is debate religion. That's what was so fun about being a kid.
But now, back to the action. Things are starting to pick up now, mainly because Hordak is mounting an attack so ridiculous that even Skeletor would pull him aside and ask if its really some big joke. Let's take a look...
 
Alright, I'm going to try explaining this as best I can. If it sounds confusing, please remember that this is Hordak's plan, not mine. Now, Hordak's castle is conveniently located in front of the woods where all the rebels congregate. In other words, they're perfectly in-target for any kind of attack, further lessening the idea that this rebellion was a well-thought process with months of pre-planning and consideration. Or maybe the rebels just really like the woods. Either way, Hordak wants to simply shoot a giant laser, exploding the whole place. While that's all well and good, but Hordak needs to find a way to power the laser. In probably the strangest thing to come out of the series ever, Hordak sticks the village prisoners in a glass tank, draining them of life energy and giving his laser gun power. Hmmm, there's so many things wrong with that, I don't even know where to begin. If that guy above has anything in him that could power a laser, its really true what they say about not judging a book by its cover.
The thing about it is, Hordak says all this stuff with a straight face. I've hatched some pretty poor ideas in my day, but when they sucked, I was never able to present them without eventually breaking out in laughter over my own stupidity. There's no way that Hordak doesn't realize how absurd and strange his plans really are, but he manages to deliver an explanation for it with perfect finesse. That's why he's such a great villain. That and the arm that turns into a cannon.
 
He-Man, who's judgement is totally clouded by his mission to save Adora, walks right into enemy territory wearing a Horde Trooper outfit. He tells Adora to stay quiet, but jeez He-Man, the other bad guys are right next to her. Even if she wasn't under the evil spell, I'm pretty sure Hordak would've caught you. And you know what happens when Hordak catches dirty rebels trying to spoil his fun? That's right! Straight to the cage!
 
Hordak, frustrated that all the other prisoners were too weak to give the laser any real power, sees a ray of light and realizes that He-Man will give him all the energy he needs. Sure, it'll inevitably end with He-Man getting killed, but the woods! Remember, Hordak wants to destroy the woods! Sacrifices must be made! He-Man doesn't seem too concerned about what's going on... he's survived worse and there's no way he's going to die in his own movie.
Adora has some screwed up dreams while sleeping - looks like that spell wasn't enough to fully convince her of the Horde's true intentions. She gets up in the middle of the night, when He-Man is conveniently completely unguarded despite the fact that the Horde has around 90 million troops. The sword starts glowing again, and finally, Adora realizes the truth. Then, the magic happens!
 
Yes, just like Adam, Adora also has the power to call upon Greyskull's many perks...she turns into She-Ra, the Princess of Power! Here's the differences: She-Ra has longer hair, a slight lisp, wears a skirt, and bears ceremonial headware. Also, in contrast to He-Man's 'by the power of Greyskull!', She-Ra identifies herself with 'for the honor of Greyskull'. Girls have more fun, that's why She-Ra gets a far more wild and involved transformation that He-Man gets - when this girl transforms, fireworks go off over Greyskull while the Sorceress plays the maracas.
Personally, I liked her better as Adora. But I always had a thing for women who cut the finger parts off of their gloves.
 
The most amazing thing about She-Ra's arrival isn't her godlike powers and golden hair - its what it does to Swift Wind, her horse. Previously, Swift Wind was just a horse, nothing more. When Cringer's not wearing a red harness, he's still pretty messed up. A talking green tiger thing. Swift Wind didn't have any eccentricities about him till the sword unleashed its mighty powers - now the freakin thing has wings, wears a mask, and can talk! Even She-Ra couldn't believe that one.
The thing I wonder is...were these animals also chosen ones by Greyskull? We're led to believe that Adam and Adora were destined for their roles - but what about Cringer and that equine asshole? Were they just in the right place at the right time, or is there something more to the story? Also, most animals don't have the same lifespan as humans, even in Eternia. So when Cringer dies, can He-Man pick out a new animal that'll get special powers? And if so, does it have to be a green tiger? Can it be the Jersey Devil, or a anteater? Unfortunately, these are the questions suspiciously left off all the MOTU FAQs circling the internet. Some of these fanboys should start answering the heavy hitters.
Anyway, now that the secret of the sword ain't so secret, the Sorceress turns up for a brief moment to explain Adam and Adora's past. After all the shit they've been through, they've certainly earned it.
 
Hordak and the Horde were once villains on Eternia, He-Man's world. Hordak heard that the Queen had just given birth to twins, and while he wasn't sure what they'd amount to, they really had no reason to kidnap Man-At-Arms. Hordak only managed to snatch up the baby girl before the guards arrived, and you know who that baby girl is. Teela. But Hordak threw her back because even then she was a space cadet sack of shit, and took baby Adora instead.
 
Haha, take a look at this - Skeletor used to be Hordak's pupil. Since Hordak ran off with the baby, poor Skeletor was left alone in the castle to take the heat. Even back then, our favorite villain knew how to backpeddle, so he struck a deal with the enemy by telling them where Hordak was in exchange for freedom. In the long run, they probably should smashed his skull in with a bedpost to save themselves decades of annoyance and trouble, but with all that was going on, decisions were made in snap and irrational fashion.
Hordak escaped to his homeworld of Etheria with the baby, and up until now, no one has been able to find Adora. He-Man seemed a little pissed that nobody bothered to tell him about all this before, but going back to what I said initially, he's not gonna second guess the bird woman. No matter how you view the circumstances, this is obviously a momentous occassion - the royal family has been reunited! Finally, King Randor can see his baby girl again. And, given that this is just a cartoon, I'm sure the first meeting won't be at all awkward. Not that Adora should care if her real parents are two pairs of pliars - up to this point, the closest thing she had to a mom and dad was a guy who snarls three times a minute and a demoness who talks like she's purposely trying to make you rip out your eardrums. Anything would've been a step up...
Now, back to the present...
 
Adam explains to the rebels that Adora is no longer evil - they seem pretty okay with it. No problems there. Glimmer however, has one eeeentsy weeeentsy tiny request. She neglected to mention this earlier, but in the spirit of things, she'd really appreciate it if someone went to rescue her poor mother from a monster harpie up on the mountains.
Okay, what?
I'm not sure if we're watching the same movie anymore, or if its run into some odd episodes of She-Ra. Don't get me wrong, its not that the story drags, because it really doesn't. Its that it jumps from one thing to another with virtually no warning, and after almost an hour of this whole plotline with the rebellion, He-Man and She-Ra get on the flying horse to go save some woman we've never ever heard of. Only in Etheria!
 
The aforementioned harpie bitch is just that - I was scared shit of this thing as a kid. As a villain, she's soundly defeated and overall pretty useless, but she screams a lot and has really thick thighs...I could never make it through this part with my eyes open. Luckily, He-Man and She-Ra could've beaten her with their eyes closed. Harpie was truly the most useless character in MOTU history, with an on-screen time of around 40 seconds and an attack method that consisted of her wearing a blanket over her head that looked like Queen Angella while shrieking wildly. Needless to say, our heroes aren't impressed.
 
They dispose of the harpie without much effort, and Angella regains her full power by breaking the collar around her necks. Gadgets a'plenty in this world, folks. You know you're in a technological wonderland when a flying monkey has collars that ruin your special powers. Queen Angella's character development hasn't reached its peak here. At press time, she sounds like a rambling drug addict. But she's Glimmer's mom, and the rightful leader of the rebellion, so everyone's glad to have her back. She's also the 3rd character in the movie who shouldn't have wings - but her competition is a monkey woman and a horse, so I guess she's got as big of a right as anyone else.
With Angella back as leader of the rebellion, Adora finally feels she has some time to go back to Eternia with Adam to meet her real parents. She wonders if they'll like her, given the picky nature of most royal families, but Adam reassures her that his parents are so complacent that they'll basically accept anything thrown in front of them at face value, explaining the countless times Skeletor's been able to invade Eternia posing as someone else. There's an open-door policy on that place like you can't believe. And its totally undeserved - I'd understand if it was a completely peaceful world, but these people know Skeletor and his goons are trying to kill them everyday. Getting a little skepticism couldn't hurt.
 
As Adam and Adora prepare to walk through the dimensional portal, which by the way are suprisingly easy entities to call upon, Hordak watches from his ship and is less than pleased over the concept of losing his cherished Adora. Yes, he's bad. Yes, he's evil. But he's been like a demented abusive father to this girl...he doesn't want to lose her, especially to such a boring alternative as King Randor. That guy'll suck the life right out of the poor girl. So, in the closing moments before the portal evaporates, Hordak reaches his inner strength and accomplishes the impossible...
 
Yes, Hordak transforms into a goddamn rocket. Hey, were you expecting that? I wasn't expecting that. I don't think anyone was expecting that. I don't even think the writers expected that. Its obvious one of the animators was sick of being a puppet and decided to take a few creative liberties with how Hordak was to reach the portal. Having him run at it really fast just seemed so...pedestrian. Of course, since we've already been shown Hordak making his own portals at least three times, he probably could've done this same here. But no...too obvious. We needed something so ridiculous, it'd wake up the biggest couch sloth who was wondering why this cartoon was running longer than Sparticus. I'm pretty certain nothing would've gotten a reaction quite like Hordak turning into a rocket and blasting through a dimensional portal. That's right up there with flag burning and cross effacing on the automatic heat scale.
 
Memorable moments left and right! First, Adam presents his parents with their longlost daughter, prompting tears of joy and a few jealous remarks from Teela. Its nice to see the queen so happy...one of the only people in the entire universe here who never got an action figure. She's usually pretty down about it. It might be shortlived, but for now, all's well in Eternia. Especially since Orko hasn't appeared once in the entire movie.
Meanwhile, Hordak meets up with his old pupil. At first, Skeletor keeps blasting Snake Mountain's ceiling to cover him with rubble, but then Hordak explains that if they work together, he'll be out of his hair much quicker, and besides, they do have a common enemy. Skeletor considers the options, eventually realizing that no matter how many ceilings he makes cave in on Hordak's head, the writers will never let him die. So they team up, and share a hearty and insane two minute laughing session before moving on with the big plans...and my, it is quite a plan.
 
I told you earlier that its easier to get into the royal castle than any Wal-Mart, so Skeletor, Hordak, and a bunch of the goons just march on it. Given that they have all sorts of guns and whatnot, they could probably take over the entire planet with one foul swoop. But that would make sense, and go against everything Skeletor has ever stood for. Instead, Skel transforms (the movie's running theme) into one of Eternia's many fat Italian chefs.
Good God, and you thought that Hordak/rocket affair was something to scream about - this movie's full of suprises. I should mention that Skeletor's flanked by the best of his troops here - even people like Webstor show up for this one. I wonder what Skel's troops did when they weren't part of one of his schemes. We never really got an inside look at the side hobbies of Kobra Khan, y'know? But, if you go back to the first episode of He-Man, you'll find the answer. When Skeletor first summons all his minions - they're either standing on top of rocks, standing next to rocks, or just outright blasting rocks. Anything involving rocks. So if you feel bad that Skeletor kept roping them into these silly schemes, you shouldn't. They really didn't have much else to do anyway.
For once, Skeletor's ideas actually had merit - the plan works perfectly and he and Hordak kidnap Adora from some strange Eternian birthday party without too much of a hassle. Back at Snake Mountain, Skel seizes the opportunity to doublecross his former tutor, which of course opens up many more opportunities for Skeletor to laugh incessantly.
 
I told you, these dimensional portals are everywhere. The goons knock Hordak back to his dimension, and then retreat to the classier vaults of Snake Mountain to contemplate their victory. Adora, of course, is now Skeletor's prisoner. But Skel doesn't realize the girl can call upon special powers to make her hair grow, so She-Ra takes care of them real good before the heroes arrive.
 
Skeletor realizes that he was just beaten by a female He-Man, and is rightfully upset by it. What he doesn't realize is that the only other time he'll really have to deal with She-Ra is next Christmas on the He-Man holiday special, but in that one Skel's so engulfed with the holiday spirit that he's too busy carrying sick kids through the snow to deal with She-Ra's exploits. Also notice the pile of corpses behind him - Skeletor's troops get beat up more than kids who still wear Poke'mon t-shirts to school. Anyway, say goodbye to Skel, that's all he's got to offer for this movie.
He-Man and She-Ra on the other hand, have plenty more to offer. Though at this point, I'm pretty sure we've seen every twist and turn humanly possible for one animated movie - secret swords, slave-cage lasers, harpies, drug-addled angels, magic spells, archery, harps, girls that turn into cats, fat Italian chefs, monsters with four legs and suction cups...what else could they possibly do?
The answer's clear - as much as She-Ra loves the family she never knew, she knows she can't abandon her homeworld...not when its still under the control of the Horde. So the siblings go back...again, and do battle with Hordak's army. Which consists of...
 
...planes and tanks which can be destroyed with single punches or one gunshot. From the start of the movie until now, Hordak's army lost a ton of durability. I'm not complaining, because after 88 minutes of He-Man, believe me, I'll take the easy out, no questions asked. If you noticed how in past episode reviews they reused a lot of animation clips for various episodes? Well when you've got a 90-minute episode, you'll notice He-Man make the exact same intricate mannerisms at least a dozen times at various points. Its driving me insane, I swear to God.
Of course, the good guys defeat Hordak, who once again rocket-morphs out of there. She-Ra explains that they won the battle, but not the war, so she's not coming back to Eternia. Personally, I just think she doesn't like Eternia - it does look pretty mundane compared to Etheria. Honestly, how exciting could it be to hang around with King Randor and Man-E-Faces 24 hours a day? Don't answer that.
 
He-Man finally gets tired of trying to convince She-Ra to be a real sister, so they hug and part ways. Don't get upset, they meet up again eventually, albeit under slightly less dramatic circumstances. As Swift Wind pulls She-Ra up into orbit, a tear runs down the cheek of Eternia's champion, and the end credits roll.
Overall: Are you kidding? This is one of the true animated classics for me - and unfortunately nigh-impossible to find today. In comparison to the shows it competed with at the time, He-Man comes off a little more dated. As as much as I make fun of it, it was a great little show. From the hardcore fan perspective, I'd say this is easily the best episode(s) of the series entirely. Well worth your time to check out. :)
MY Score : (out of a possible ten)
RAVEN-SYMONE'S Score : (out of a possible ten)
9
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