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Most of the figures I'm about to show you are like toy representations of people in bad Star Wars Halloween costumes. You've really got to feel bad for the people who got suckered into buying these figures, and I'll show you why.
You're six-years-old. It's bathtime. Bathtime is no fun, any six-year-old totally comprehends that. But the saving grace of bathtime is the ability to bring your toys in with you for a little water adventure. You're six-years-old, and it's 1980. You love Star Wars. You want to bring Luke Skywalker into the tub with you. Unfortunately, you live in Poland. So not only do you have to put up with really bad jokes about your nationalist constantly, the only Luke Skywalker coming into the tub with you is this, 'Shivering Cold' Mutant-Blue Luke!
 I can't tell you how hard it is to even begin listing the amount of things wrong with this figure. I feel like an English teacher sitting down to grade that retarded kid who sits at the back of class' paper on nuclear physics. Okay, first and foremost, unless this was the special 'Disco Luke' I've heard rumors about (hey...it was the 70s) ....there's just no way to justify the soon-to-be Jedi waltzing around wearing blue. It wouldn't be half as bad if his boots weren't slime green, ultimately making this toy a showcase for the world's worst outfit.
There's a few more problems, too. If you're thinking one of those problems are Luke's lightsaber being red, think again. That's no lightsaber. That's one of those POP ICE things. You know, those colorful pieces of ice wrapped in plastic that's impossible to open unless you have scissors. Here's a picture of 'em:
 Course, Luke's also trying to impress and hopefully score with his sister by dyeing his hair black and showing little regard for facial features. When you compile all those elements in with the fact that his arms and legs don't move, we've got our first nomination for the toy to be given out to bad children if Santa ever runs out of coal.
To prove how wrong this figure is, here's what Luke would look like if it were completely correct:
You're damn straight it's awful, but it's only one of many. Here's some Polish Ewoks:
 Ever wonder where Ewoks go after they die? I mean, is there an Ewok heaven, ruled over by a shiny C-3PO god? Or an Ewok hell, full of everything that's the antithesis of cuddly? Well, these bootlegs should answer that question once and for all. It turns out that Ewoks don't die, they simply become the undead, stalking the night in search of raw flesh. Apparently, when they crawl out of their graves, they don strange accessories, wield bizarre weapons and grow strange, vampirous fangs, all the better for sucking the life fluids from any unsuspecting hoojib or yuzzum that might lurk too close to the Ewok Village graveyard.
This first example is Chief Chirpa. As you can see, the figure comes with a molded-on cowl that's considerably different from the one packed with the Kenner version. It also features some kind of bandolier. Overall, the figure looks like a sewer rat dressed in some kind of weird zombie outfit.
Next up is Logray, the Ewok Medicine Man. And I don't think I need to tell you that "medicine man" is just a polite way of saying "witch doctor." That's right, this is Voodoo Logray, completely with a hellishly red cowl and belt, and a pre-posed left arm. Actually, I think he's raising his fist to smite anyone who might be brave enough to challenge his badass voodoo power. Kenner should have made a "Mojo Force" Logray. I would have bought that.
 Finally we have Wicket. Oh, poor, cuddly Wicket, just look at what you've come to. By looking at the production figures on the left of the photo, you should be able to tell that Wicket was sculpted with a firmly closed, even slightly smiling mouth. But this figure has fangs painted over that mouth. Little insidious rodent fangs, like the ones found on the title character in F.W. Murnau's landmark silent film, Nosferatu. He's also equipped with some kind of horn. I don't even want to speculate as to what that might be for. But I'm sure it has something to do with choking underweight infants.
Just something to think about... I was informed that these originated in Poland, which is close enough to Transylvania for me.
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