For those of the nocturnal persuation, informercials have become a way of life. Being something of a daylight-hating wild dancing night owl myself, I've watched more informercials in my day than I could count. From Tony Robbins to Dionne Warwick, mock celebrities and goonie old men have tried to push their ludicrous products and services on us using every possible marketing technique possible.
'First 100 callers receive not one, but two copies of our fully illustrated catalog!' 'Call within the next 30 minutes, and we'll reduce the price to just sixteen payments of 39.95!' Things of that sort. They're actually pretty funny to watch. You'll see these half-assed gizmos that are easily obtainable for 10 bucks at any department store shilled like they were created by God himself. It's also amazing to see what these things can do on television. I've seen a lot of these fabulous items in real life...and let me tell you...the air-tight bag sealer couldn't crush a fly much less 36 empty cans of Coke. You've really gotta wonder if anyone's monitoring these things for false advertising.
My favorite infomercial of all is without a doubt...Ronco. Ronco is the name of the company headed by Ron Popeil, who also stars in the commericials. Among other things, he sells a magical rotisserie oven.
Now, before we even start talking about the item at hand, we've gotta discuss Ron. He's gotta be the meanest guy in history. If you end up in Hell, I'm pretty sure it'll be revealed that Ron was Satan on Earth all along. He looks absolutely villainous. Secondly, he's got this sweet little woman on the set helping him out...Ron goes out of his way to interrupt and ignore her as many times as he can. I'm serious, this poor girl would start a sentence, and the look of sheer disdain on Ron's face could freeze an ocean. Here, check out his mug. Tell me this guy doesn't frighten the shit out of you....
Now, as for the rotisserie itself...yum. I don't know how many redneck Texans are watching Ronco infomercials at 4 AM, but his choice of foods to display are pretty frigging dubious. He's not just cooking chicken and stuff, which actually looks quite decent, but ...he's spinning around these disgusting giant horse legs and crap, all dripping blood and juice all over the tables like some electronical slaughterhouse. It's disgusting. I've never seen a cooking show that actually make me lose my appetite before. Ronco accomplished that.
Seriously, watching this was like watching a horror movie. There were about six dozen of these ovens cooking giant animal parts throughout the show.
500.00 value?! Are you insane? How could that stupid thing possible be worth 500 dollars? It's a frigging toaster than spins around.
If you're not fully satisfied, Ron doesn't want you to keep the machine. Yes, Ron offers a full money-back guarantee. He's that confident. Hey, I wouldn't send anything back to Ron. Are you looking at his face? That's the face of a crazed psychopath. He looks like Jack Nicholson on crack.Could you imagine what he'd do to you if you had the nerve to send one of his products back to him? Let's see what he has to say about that...
'Just set it...and forget it! I offer an unconditional money-back guarantee on my amazing rotisserie. It's the healthiest way to eat leg of lamb or animal fat. I promise that! The reason I offer the guarantee is because I'm that damn sure you won't be able to live without my fine product once you receive it. However, let's assume for a moment that you do send it back. Well, I'm to assume you're stupid then. And as we all know, stupid people are animal meat. Meaning? I reserve full rights to cook and eat anyone who returns my products. Arrrgh! Grrrr! This is Ron Popeil, signing off!'
Yikes.
The point? Don't order anything off the television unless it's a Ken Griffey Jr. rookie card. Be dialin' people, be dialin'. The hottest cha-ard on the planet available tonight only, so be dialin' people, be dialin'.
