In this case, it's more commercials. Back then, Star Wars was one of the very few movie genres that was actually popular enough to be mass-marketed. So they got a lot of offers for commercial tie-ins. George Lucas, who depending on which fan you talk to is either really careful with where his legacy appears or just completely reckless in getting it everywhere possible, seems to lapse in and out of temporary insanity when you look at some of the things that Star Wars logo is stamped upon.

For whatever reason, the Droids are the ones who usually get shafted and drafted into these various conquests. C-3P0 and R2-D2 have been on more awful commercials than Sally Struthers. That's what happens when the actor royalties check is so low. If the midget who played R2, Kenny Baker, was dead...he'd be rolling around in his grave.

Anyway, sorry, we've got no downloads for these. Not right now, anyway. I'm working on finding the infamous 57-reel, which is a video of old Star Wars commercials bootlegged and sold to fans on the black market. Right alongside the alleged video of George Lucas getting frustrated on the set, kicking R5-D4, and hurting his foot. Let's take a look..

If there's anything in Star Wars that can be construed as 'controversial' besides having a giant alien puppet strip Leia naked and stick it's tongue down her throat, this is it. But it's not controversial in that sense, it's controversial because it's incredibly stupid.

It aired on television around the time Return of the Jedi was shown in theatres worldwide, and it might've been the only thing out there that could've convinced someone not to see the movie.

In case you can't tell what's going on up there, R2-D2 is smoking a cigarette. Under normal circumstances, that'd be all I'd have to say...but it gets better. Just like Gary Coleman did on that infamous episode of Diff'rent Strokes, R2 is trying to hide his habit. C'mon, the droid has gotta be at least 40 years old. It's not like he's doing anything wrong, and besides, he's got no lungs to screw up. Really, if anyone should be allowed to smoke without being blasted, it's R2.

Anyhow, C-3P0 enters the room and does his best to act completely disgusted. This is where the action starts getting good. As 3P0 is being all virtuous, like any good Droids would, R2 is doing this little shimmy on the side that tells us he's too cool to be lectured. It's a great moment. And when you really look at it, R2's not even smoking the cigarette. He's just holding it about a foot away from him in a well ventilated area. I mean, how virtuous does a droid need to be? If R2 goes into a magazine shop and sees that Forbes is behind the Playboy magazine, is he going to get in trouble just for moving it out of the way? Seems to me like 3P0's being a little too high and mighty in this case. Not that we should be surprised - this is the same guy who said it wouldn't be 'proper' to lie to Ewoks!

Eventually, 3P0 strikes a chord with R2 by playing the 'set a good example' card. R2 beeps something and gets rid of the cigarette, because after all, he doesn't want to look like a "bad example setter" on camera. Whether this was one of those deals where R2 just pretended to stop smoking for the sake of getting everyone off his case, we may never know.

Hey, a little redundancy never hurt anyone. If the galaxy is distant, that's one thing. If it's 'far, far away', that's something else. But if it's a distant galaxy, far, far away? Damn, that's a long way from home. It just makes it all the more impressive that 3P0 manages to nail the British butler accent so perfectly. Those droids can do anything.

I remember, as a child, having really no other purpose in life than Star Wars figures. I mean, I had Ninja Turtles, I had G.I. Joe...but Star Wars figures gave me this euphoria I wouldn't feel until over a dozen years later when the bassist from Nirvana broke his wrist on the stage during the MTV Awards. As a collector of this crap, there'd be occassions when I opened a Star Wars figure's package. I'd sniff the new plastic like I was  doing cocaine, and turn into a real "Jones" for about two weeks when the smell was gone. Hell, I'd  open up a 50 dollar figures every now and again just so I could smell the plastic.

But the thing that probably got me so into the toys was the commercials. I wasn't around for the old ones but I remember the later ones pretty well. There's one where these two kids are playing, and whenever a bad guy walked over their surrogate bridge, they'd turn it over and make him fall. It looked pretty dumb, but it got even worse when they acted all impressed with what they did.

Or in the case of this commercial, it's C-3P0 again. His job's not to shill promotional posters or anti-smoking messages this time...it's simply to tell kids that the new Empire Strikes Back toys were now on the shelves! The acting range of 3P0 is absolutely incredible. You can't imagine how excited he got over things like this. Retrospectively, he would've made a great used car salesman. But this commercial's not funny because of 3P0's advertising, it's funny because it makes Chewbacca look like a fool.

Chewy got cast in the Ed McMahon role here. Only it's even worse, because instead of laughing and being chunky, all Chewy could offer up was an occassional Grunt. The commercial went something like this...

C-3P0: Oh Chewbacca! I am so excited about these new Empire Strikes Back official action figures!

Chewy: Roaaarr!

C-3P0: Why, they even made a figure for the AT-AT Driver! No collection is complete without one, isn't that right, Chewbacca?

Chewy: Roaaarr!

C-3P0: I love big breasted woman dressed in monkey suits who carry around tuna sandwiches at all times, don't you agree, Chewy?

Chewy: Roaaarr!

So yeah, Chewbacca came off looking pretty dumb. The best part was his facial expressions. He's paying attention to 3P0 as if the Droid was reading off a newly-discovered passage from the Wookie Bible. But hey, in everyone involved's defense, I'd probably cast Chewbacca on these commercials too. Harrison Ford isn't going to come cheap...but Peter Mayhew? Please, I offered the guy five bucks to lick my windows clean, and he started rolling around the floor giggling like he had just won the lottery. Ultimately, kids will buy anything. They may as well stick to a low budget.

Don't think this stuff is all in the past. They'll be more oblivious Star Wars commercials and dumb products in the future. They've already nailed Taco Bell and Pepsi, who knows what the future holds? For Christ's sake, I remember seeing a poster from The Phantom Menace with frigging Captain Panaka on it. PANAKA! The poor man's Lando dressed like a colorblind Egyptian. The saga's a long way from over.