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It's time for a change. I haven't been completely honest with you. I've been doing this site virtually every day for the past...what is it...four months? And in that time, I've completely lost interest in Star Wars and cartoons and toys. I've moved on to greener pastures...a new obsession. I've tried and tried to stay on track with Airborneturtles's unwritten rulebook, tried to force myself to sit through countless bad movies and catoon specials in the hopes to rekindle a lost spirit for this world of backwoods pop-culture we've sought to teach you about for all this time.
But no more.
I really can't go on living the lie anymore, I'm sorry. I really do appreciate the fact that the readers have enjoyed Airborneturtle's tenure as an encyclopedia for zany pop-culture, but the fact is, it can't go on. About a month ago, I talked to Raven about it, and she basically got me to swear to at least give it a few more weeks. I tried, I really have. I tried viewing what I was doing here as 'for the readers' and not 'for me', but lately, I just can't let go of the fact that I desperately wanted the site to change direction so I could talk about what I've become progressively more interested in for the past few months.
So, that's where we are now. The crossroads. I hate to make this sound so 'epic', but I feel as though if you're a daily reader, you at least deserved an explanation. I didn't want you to come here, find the entire site changed, and not know what was up. It just didn't seem fair.
And what route am I referring to? Well, it might come as a bit of a surprise. But I'm fully confident in thinking we can really branch out with this and hit some new highs we previously couldn't due to our content limitations. I know it's going to seem like I'm going for the 'hot topic', because this surely had become a pretty popular genre of discussion as of late. But no matter what, this is where my heart is, and this is where the site's going. I hope you'll stick around and see how we can grow with it.
With that, let me introduce our site's new infrastructure, and where we're going. I'll leave the old articles up of course...But from here on out, this site's going to have one topic, one very broad topic, but one topic only. And this is our new topic:
TIGERS
Surprised? Why? Did you really think you knew me? Come on guys, this is the internet. You only really know as much about a person as they want you to. Did you know that I'm working for a degree in smelling the elderly? Or that I wear 1.5 feet tall platform buckle shoes because I can't tie knots and I want to be as close to 7' tall as possible? Of course not. We barely know each other, so this really shouldn't be that much of a shock.
I've always been fascinated by tigers, but it wasn't until recently that it really started become a daily obsession for me. I had gone to Wal-Mart a short while back, and they had those cheap 14.99 throw blankets on sale. They came in an assortment of colors...blue, red, grey...but I opted for the tiger print version. So every night before I went to sleep, I'd have this blanket wrapped around me, making me feel like a real life tiger. Silently so I wouldn't wake the neighbors, I'd wrap this thing around my body and practice my growling. Sometimes I went as far as to pounce on my stuffed Pokemon dolls. I tried eating red meat raw, but I'm just a beginner. That'll take some time.
Where did it all start? Wow, that takes us back a long time. If any of you are old enough, you'd remember that there was a big health food fad back in the mid-80s. At the time, my older brother and I lived in the same house, and he was really bit by the health bug. So every morning, instead of cholesterol-laced eggs and fatty bacon, he'd pour himself a bowl of Corn Flakes. Now, what little kid doesn't want to be just like their older brother? Like a mindless drone, I asked for some Corn Flakes so I could be fit too. I tried 'em. I chewed 'em. But I just didn't like them.
Depressed, I sat in solitude in my room, dreading an inevitable future of clogged arteries and extra pounds while my brother jumped hurdles in the Olympics. Later that day, my mother offered up a solution. She knew I wanted to eat the flakes, but something needed to be added to them. Something...saucy. With that, she presented to me my very first box of...
FROSTED FLAKES!
Finally, breakfast flakes for me! Now, I wouldn't thank my mother for anything, but someone deserved gratitude for giving me the flakes. I found my savior on the box itself. The very first tiger love of my life. Tony the Tiger. Talk about your positive role models. Tony wasn't like all those other cereal spokespersons - he wasn't trying to steal cereal from the kids. If anything, Tony would cram the stuff down your throat himself. He always kept himself neat and tidy, didn't cater to the immature crowd with silly hops and nonsense. Tony was all business, and taught us that eating healthy was grrreat.
That was my first experience with tigers, and I'll never forget it. Looking at the rest of my life, tigers have always played a major role. I mean, I'm originally from NJ...we've got three great baseball teams that most Jersians love right around there (Phillies, Mets, and Yankees), yet I was always walking around with a Detroit Tigers hat on. The funny part is, I've never watched baseball in my life. I wore the hat because I love tigers!
Now, here's some of my favorite tigers out there, I hope to soon to full profiles on them.
The tiger pictured above is the famous White Tiger, one of my favorites. I like this tiger because it looks like an albino. These are actually a simple color variation on the classic Bengal tiger, but calling them a 'freaky version of a regular tiger' doesn't really do them justice. There are only 30 white tigers in captivity across the U.S., and at least half of those are just regular tigers painted white by evil zoo emperors. I love white tigers.
The fellow shown here is the rare Sumatran Tiger. Only 400 of these guys exist! Think about that. If the Sumatran Tigers ever decided to start their own orchestra, that would mean around half of their population would have to have severe musical talent. These tigers average in at a svelte 198 pounds, meaning they're some of the most health-conscious tigers out there.
Indochinese Tigers are bulkier than Sumatran Tigers, so they're a bit slower. But they make up for it by eating lots of wild pig. To be honest, I don't really like these tigers. They refuse to live anywhere besides China, and it's that kind of elitist attitude that kept Easter Island out of the U.N. As far as I'm concerned, these tigers can go screw themselves and go extinct.
These are just a few of the tigers I hope to talk about in the upcoming months. If you have suggestions for future tiger articles you'd like to see us tackle, be sure to e-mail me. Later in the day I'm changing the site's background colors to tiger stripes, and hopefully adding a tiger roar .wav sound on repeat as the background music.
APRIL FOOLS!!!!
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