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Several weeks ago I was cleaning out my closet which at the time looked like it was recently raided by those flying blue monkeys from The Wizard of Oz and Young (pilot old) Theo Huxtable. I came across several strange and wonderful things such as Milk Duds from around six years ago, a mini tool set, a toy polar bear (covered in a velvety solution) that was mounted on a chopstick, and an autographed photograph of myself that was inside an empty box of Cocoa Krispies from 1995. But none of those could have prepared me for what I was yet to find...
You see, I was digging through a box of assorted McDonald's Happy Meal toys and Pez Dispensers when all of a sudden...
KAZAM UNDERWEAR?!
You must know that's not an actual scanned photograph of the monstrosity itself, but I wasn't about to go digging through all my stuff for a freaking pair of old underwear...I couldn't even find a picture of it online so I had to make one...
Getting back to my suspenseful story, I was baffled. I didn't know what to say. Here I am leaning over a box of McDonald's toys holding a frightening pair of undergarments which pictured a rapping genie who made it rain Happy Meals. They were about the right size for a five year old, which made no sense because Kazam came out in 1996. I was about nine in '96 so that means that they weren't my underwear (I hated that movie anyway). I only had one younger sibling and she was a female so they couldn't have been her's either... "But wait", I thought... "Happy Meals"... hmmm... Then it struck me! HAPPY MEALS! In the movie that this pair of underpants themed, that kid wished that Shaq would make it rain Happy Meals, and I found the underwear in a box of Happy Meal toys! Even though it was ironic, it still made no sense whatsoever... but my adventures in Whatthehellisgoingonville was just getting started...
After a short while of singing to the mysterious underwear and talking in that crazy language from the show Zoom, I felt something stiff in the underpants, something flat, something thin, something uniquely crisp. I cautiously opened the Kazam themed poo catcher to find none other than...
 A PHOTO OF A MYSTERIOUS BLOODY NOSED LAD WITH GLASSES?!
Again, You must know that's not an actual scanned photograph of the monstrosity itself, but I wasn't about to go digging through all my stuff for a freaking picture of a boy with a nosebleed...
Even more freakishly bizarre than the tiny movie-themed underpants that it lay dormant in, this simple but extremely disturbing photo will probably end up destroying every last being on this sad little rock, or spell certain death to life throughout the universe...
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